Monday, March 06, 2006

Paying Down Your Debt Gives Comfort to the Enemy

In the war on terror, you'll be glad to know that your government is leaving no stone unturned. Particularly the stones in your financial garden, so to speak.

The Feds now monitor all financial transactions, and freeze any that cross a particular threshold until they have certified that it is OK to release the funds. Because, you know, according to the Constitution, the Feds are allowed to control your money and commerce.

It's good to know that the Feds are spending their valuable time ensuring that Americans don't reduce their personal debt too rapidly. Because, if we were living within our means and building our savings, that would only give comfort to the enemy. A financially secure America is exactly what the terrorists want, so we're all just going to have to bear the crushing burden of debt to ensure victory over those who might otherwise own that complete dining room set from Penny's free and clear, like these Texan terrorists.

The President is certainly doing his part, building a national debt that will ensure our financial instability for generations. If he didn't do so, he would be a terrorist, after all. What are people so scared of anyway? What harm could come from national financial instability?

This Federal Intercession Banking (FIB) service is so helpful, you wonder why they haven't extended it:

  • Rummy and Dick need more money for the war on Iraqis, so why not, while they're in everyone's bank account, just "borrow" a little. C'mon, you know they're good for it, right? They wouldn't lie to you, right? I mean, don't we owe it to them for the costs they incur to dig into our finances to keep us safe from totalitarian regimes that rob individuals of fundamental rights like privacy? Think of it as a gratuity for the government agencies that are so effectively safeguarding our freedoms.
  • And how about all those hearty and hale senior citizens that we have around? That's a real comfort to the enemy. Probably best to cut medical aid to seniors, who are just aiding the enemy by requiring medical care--a clever tactic to distract Dick and Bush from planning their victory parade route through Baghdad.
  • Another group that you just know is aiding the terrorist is in our very schools: the students. To ensure that we win our twin wars on the enemy and on knowledge, it's best that we just cut students off. An intelligent populace is a dangerous one, after all. I'm sure, for example, that the Texas terrorists who exploded their IED--that's Intelligent Expenditure Defunding--in New Hampshire probably went to school. A school that Rummy, Dick, and Bush had to pay for with the tax dollars that they worked hard to collect from the American people. And, every tax dollar that they have to spend on making more pesky smart people is another dollar they can't spend on their Baghdad victory parade.

And nothing would be a greater comfort to the enemy than a shabby victory parade in Baghdad, so it's good to know that the Feds are vigilant agains the threat of Americans' financial solvency and security. And, good to know that the right party is in charge to ensure crippling financial instability for generations to come, because that's exactly what the enemy doesn't want, right?

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