Friday, May 26, 2006

Papa Gets Fired for Funkin' Up at Work

I couldn't help myself. The purple one made me do it, I swear. That's my story, and I'm sticking with it.

Actually, I'm just rehearsing it, since I haven't been canned yet, but I've got to be ready.


Because, ever since two women at work cornered me in the break room and berated me for not watching Prince on American Idol, I went to YouTube and checked it out. And then I played it again.

And again.

OK, maybe just one or three or twelve more times.

Coincidentally, I was also listening to his new CD, 3121, which was causing me to chair dance in my cube, even occasionally flinging the chair across the cube and breaking out into full-fledged, on my feet, flinging the headphones off my head dancing.

Except that I can't really dance.

But, man, if I could, I'd want to dance like him, although I think I'd forego the stilletto heels. I'd be afraid of breaking my ankles, pelvis, neck, something, anything, everything if I tried to so much as stand up in those.

As I was panting and preening, whispering and screaming my way around my cube, I had an epiphany. I've often wondered why women's magazines are full of pictures of women with unattainable looks. Shouldn't they be full of pictures of beautiful men, to lure women into reading the magazine?

In the middle of my transition from a toe spin to a slide--not easy on the industrial cube carpet, but I was on fire, baby--it hit me: they put those pictures in because the women who read want to be the women in the pictures, just like I want to be Prince.

Or dance like him, anyway.

OK, and dress like him, although I might draw the line at the eyeshadow. Hard to find a shade that matches my beard, although I will admit that I did try to find the perfect eyeliner and mascara combo back in the androgynous 80s, even if I never did find a Louis XIV cravat that matched my jeans.

Yeah, there's a whole Prince thing that goes way back with me--back to having to call Mom to ask if I could go see the late show of Purple Rain because it ended after my curfew. Back to seeing the Purple Rain tour at the Cow Palace in San Francisco with Jeremy and Donna.

Yes, I still have the poster from the show. It's the full length shot of the purple one, who is in full purple regalia, surrounded by all those wildflowers. It's rolled up with the David Bowie poster from the Serious Moonlight tour so that I can someday bequeath them to 3B, who will then proceed to mock me for the rest of my days--and curse me for his uncontrollable love of 80s music.

And here I am, again this morning, rhyming "courage" with "urge," (check it out in "The Word") spelling "forever" with a "4," back under the spell of the purple one, too busy dancing to work. That's why I'm rehearsing my story, "I couldn't help myself. The purple one made me do it, I swear."

So, when you see me on the street corner next week, holding my "Will Try to Dance for Food," please have pity on me and drop a few coins in my cup. I'm not asking you to stick around and watch me flail about atop my purple suede, button to the knee, spike heel boots, just have some mercy on a man who can't escape the purple spell.

(And carry some extra change in your pocket; I'm not the only one that Prince has funked up.)


  1. Anonymous11:43 AM

    NICE!!!! I dont have a Prince story but I have hung with Morris and Jerome in thier dressing rooms. A couple of times.

    TCB 4 the Funky 1.

  2. King,

    You suck.


    p.s. But seriously, how funky was it with Morris and Jerome?

  3. I just started watching my tape of American Idol last night and was laughing my ass off. They had MEATLOAF on, along with a bunch of other artists. I'm not a Prince fan, and I'm really surprised that you are! I'd heard that he'd wanted to be on the show but not work with the contestants. I guess this is the way he managed to work THAT out.

  4. Anonymous1:26 PM

    A fella I worked with was the drummer from the 70s funk band Brick, Eddie irons. we have become pretty good pals, and he is Morris road Mgr and sometimes FOH guy. So when Morris comes to town, which is alot, I get to hang and mix monitors for him. Morris is a really cool cat, he provides swell drinks as well.

    PS has the internet made my grammar and spelling worse I wonder?

    TCB on the Left Coast.

    Also did you know Motley Crue did a version of White punks? Not cool!!

  5. Oh, sure. YOU asked Mom if it was O.K. to stay out late. Guess if I'd learned that lesson earlier I might have been grounded less often.

    Glad to hear the new Prince album is up to standards. I hear there are certain tracks he doesn't do in concert anymore (he converted, so he doesn't like the risque stuff, which is, um, only about every track he ever recorded), but I saw him on SNL a few months ago and man was he smokin' on the guitar! I'll have to check out the disc. Or download. Or however it is these kids package music these days.

    --Yer Bro

  6. Anonymous2:19 AM

    The disc is good but it seems to me it has some pretty raunchy lyrics on it just like the old days. Maybe he figures its fine on record but wont promote the stuff live?? You should check out Kevin Smiths film he does a good hour talking about his Prince experience and its wild.

    TCB in Minnie St Paul.

  7. Bro #2, I have to admit that was possibly the only time that I asked. I was young. I didn't know any better.

    As for the lyrics, King, yeah, I guess that innuendo is OK for the JW's, just not using all the words in the old songs.

    Speaking of which, just this morning my Pandora radio station played "Sexy M.F." Gooood morning, everybody.