Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Hump Day Quickies

$5,000 for two smoking Tatas from India
What the--? Someone figured out how to outsource boob jobs? No, a Tata is an Indian car, you pervert. And they're going to be selling them for $2,500. For that price, you get a deathtrap that will warm the globe faster than it will get you to your destination, but they're so cheap that you can buy them in pairs, and leave the first one on the side of the road when it falls apart and switch to the second one. No word on whether or not they come with the standard Yugo accessory set: two wire coat hangers--one for the antenna and one to hold the muffler on. That might be the deluxe model.

375,000 square foot apartment, entirely furnished by IKEA for rent--FREE!
I'd rather do what I do for a living than be a ticket taker, even for the Colbert Report, but then again, there are perks to a more fluid lifestyle, like getting to live in an IKEA for a week for free. OK, one small downside--all the appliances are fake. But, as 3B found out this weekend, the upside to that is that those are computers any toddler can bang on play with as long as he likes. The toddler downside, however, is that the shower doesn't work...

My name is IKEA, and I come from a long line of chefs
I believe that I may have finally recovered from this weekend, which started at 5:30 a.m. Saturday morning, when 3B stood up in his crib and started calling out for Hot for Teacher.

Dude, you're killing me.

No, he doesn't stand up, wave his lighter in the air, and yell, "Hot for Teacher! Play Hot for Teacher! We want Hot for Teacher! Eddieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" He does stand up and chant, "Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum." Rather than take this as a commentary on our intelligence, we've learned to interpret this as a call for drums, thanks in part to 3B's flailing hand gestures toward the computer, from whence said drums come.

But, dude, at 5:30 on Saturday morning? Van Halen? Are you kidding?

See, we were planning on you sleeping in, as you've been doing, until 7:30 or so, and having a leisurely day. Sunday was going to be our early and busy day, when we planned to snatch you up as soon as you awoke, feed you, coffee ourselves, walk you and Barky, and get to IKEA as soon as they opened to get you a little table to color, eat, and play at.

Fortunately for your future art career, we were smart enough to nap while you did on Saturday, so we could still take you to that playplace known as IKEA, which you ruled like the king you are:

Shopping at IKEA

Seriously, this would make bathtime so much easier--no more bending over and no more protests when we dry your hair--we could just lay out out on the drying rack with the bottles and nipples:

Shopping at IKEA

And seriously, mornings would be much easier if Sarah would just agree to an arranged marriage with Claudia, who could serenade 3B with all the drums he wants early in the morning while Mama and Papa sleep.

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  1. What is that about kids sleeping in all week long and then coming up with the dawn on weekends? Why, Lord, WHY???

    IKEA rocks. Sadly, our local IKEA is in Bergen County, which still has a Blue Law, fer crying out loud, so we have to plan carefully to go on Saturdays.

    Equally sadly, Christmas put us so far in the hole that we won't be seeing any Swedish meatballs for a while.

  2. Henitsirk: In answer to your question--because they know. They know everything.

  3. I am so getting that kid a drum machine for his next birthday. And by his next birthday, I might just mean his half-birthday, since that's coming right up. A crib toy--something he can have by his side while he sleeps, so when he gets up he can start banging on his drum right away. Clearly he's got musical talent. We need him to express himself more thoroughly!

  4. Ikea does rock and I LOVE those pictures.

    We'll put 3B and Claudia on the drums and Corey can play the Sweet Child of Mine on Guitar Hero.

  5. MrJ: And I will take that gift right over to Steve's house for a jam session. And leave it right there.

  6. Yeah, that's the problem with technology gifts for pre-teens: parental access control.

    Guess 3B's going to have to develop his beatbox skillz for now.

  7. MrJ: He already has the "brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" down from the beginning of Matisyahu's beatbox, so he's on his way. He knows what time it is.

  8. Porgie does the exact opposite - she wakes early on the weekdays, and sleeps late on the weekends. It kind of irritates me - why does John always get so lucky?

    Anyways, your little boy is freaking adorable. SERIOUSLY. Too cute.

  9. Anonymous8:15 PM

    I don't need one, but I would TOTALLY buy that sink if 3B came with it.

  10. When they become teenagers they will sleep all weekend if you let them.

    I love my nephew. He is sooooo cute.

    That sink would be handy in water wars too. That is what happens when you get bored playing icecube hockey.

    I am just getting him a big metal spoon to beat against the side of his crib.

  11. Forget what my brother and sister said. I am sending him Tinker Toys. I remember the drum that came with them. They are good for doctor sets and everything else powered by imagination. And 3B will insist he has access to them because they are fun.

  12. CAGirl: Hm. He'll love the toys. Are those drums better than his coffee can set?