Monday, December 15, 2008

Papa Bradstein's personal auto industry bailout plan

Dear Car Companies,

I would like to request a few features for myself and other parents who drive or ride with kids:

  • A built in vacuum cleaner. It can be one of those plug the hose in the hole in the wall deals that they have in restaurants or a DustBuster that charges while the car's running, just something that sucks up crap that I don't have to carry seven floors down to the car.
  • Swivel front passenger seat. Because trying to find the one toy that 3B wants that he threw to the far edge of the back seat, where it might have bounced under my seat, into the map pocket on the door, or back next to his car seat while it's dark and we're bouncing down a road through stop and go traffic is like trying to get out of a straitjacket while riding on a buckboard. Once I've dislocated my shoulder, the rest is easy.
  • Lights under the front seats. Do I really need to explain this?
  • A microwave, not a glove box. Seriously, is this Elizabethan England, where ladies don't leave the house without gloves and a parasol? No, this is economic apocalypse America, where ladies, laddies and daddies are constantly driving through snack and meal time and don't even have enough money to pull through the bucket o' transfats for a buck (plus a free stent in the kid's meal!) joint on the corner. It doesn't have to be big, just enough to heat a tofu pup or a cup of mac and cheese.
  • Also, a refrigerator. You saw that coming, didn't you? But have you ever noticed how kids sort of live on milk and yogurt drinks and cheese and how all of those things need to be cold? And yes, I would give up one or three or five of the 63 cupholders in my five seat car for this. Especially the awkward ones that are round cavities in the door, but that don't really hold any cups that exist, but that allow you to claim more cupholders per car than your competitor.
  • Fuel efficiency. I don't know if you've noticed how the economy has been recently--oh wait, I guess that you have--but that's making small purchases harder to make: bread, milk, gasoline. So, it would be great if I could get some form of fuel efficiency without having to buy a car that looks like a SAAB jumped over the back fence, hooked up with the neighbor's CRX and had a litter of cars. You could probably do this by returning to building normal cars that don't have enough horsepower to haul a battleship up the side of a building, especially once you remove all the weight those extra 58 cupholders was adding to your cars.
If you do this, and if I still have a job, I promise that I'll buy one car a day until you're all out of bankruptcy...or whatever euphemism you're going to use.

Papa Bradstein

This offer is not compatible with other offers. Dealer participation may affect savings. For bonus cash, car companies (offerees), must provide retail delivery by January 1, 2010. This offer is only available when described terms are met in all 50 states, on all seven continents and on the nearest planet capable of sustaining human life, where we will all have to flee when global weirding really takes off. Estimates of how many cars may be purchased are dependent on the assumption of a 5% total payment made by offerer against the full value of the car whenever he damn well pleases, including in his own sweet time, and the assumption that the offerees will pay the remaining 95%. Residency, mileage and other restrictions or cancellations of this offer might apply at any time, depending on the mood of the offerer; such restrictions or cancellations of this offer might include, but not be limited to application of the I Lost My Job clause, the You Still Make Crappy Cars clause, the And They're Ugly Too clause, the Don't You Understand Satire clause, the I Thought It Was Funny Enough To Be Satire clause, and the Capriciousness clause.

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  1. Anonymous12:24 PM

    Nicely done sir.

    TCB on pink caddies or caddys. I dont know or don't. Or oh hell I have no grammy chops err grammer.

  2. I am forever dismayed that my 2008 Fit only gets 1 mpg more than the 1992 Corolla according to the window sticker, and comes out about even at the pump. And, yes, I still have the window sticker for the Corolla, in the glove box with the owner's manual. If Japan can't do it, there is little hope for the big 3.

    Personally, I could live without the Tire Pressure Management System. I never had a problem with flats before. When the tire was flat, I changed it on my own. Only those with SUVs which are top heavy and have exploding tires really need that system, but now we all have it.

    I know ABS is supposed to save lives, but driving on the ice this morning, it never engaged until I jammed on the brakes in front of my house just to see if it was still alive. That would be another computer I am carrying around at the expense of mileage for some reason.

    At least the Fit is cute, and everyone was interested in it when gas was $4. Now that we are down to $1.57, it is just another small car on the road.

    Good luck with your project.

  3. Anonymous10:13 PM want a fridge and a microwave? Sure you don't want a VW Bus? Oh, that's right -- fuel economy. Well then, sir, just convert that groovemobile to biodiesel and visit the back door of that House O'Bucket O'Transfats with a side of Stents!

    Dude, I have totally dislocated my shoulder trying to retrieve lost *essential* items from the back seat. Now, don't RVs have awesome swivel seats up front? And fridges and micros? Oh yeah -- fuel economy.

  4. Oh my gosh, this had me laughing.

  5. Glad to be of service.